The Valentine Blues

Valentine’s Day is here

Who knows how much I love you...Its Valentine’s Day and I found a short poem signed simply Bob …

I Want to be Your Valentine

Oh precious oh precious please be mine
I want to be your Valentine
I’ll do anything to be your rose
I want to be the Valentine you chose
Hold my hand and don’t let go
Open your heart and feel our love grow
Lock me in your heart just for a day
Feeling your love while reality fades away
I’ll wait year after year
Crying and sobbing tear after tear
Oh precious oh precious please be mine
I want to be your Valentine!
Bob

And isn’t Valentines Day meant to be one of the most romantic days of the year?  But is it?

I remember working at a company and every Valentine’s Day bunches of flowers would arrive throughout the day for various women.  But it often made me wonder what exactly was going on there?  Why the grand public gesture, what was being played out, what was it meant to prove and who was it meant to impress?

How cynical

Rainy day flowersWas I being too cynical but I couldn’t help but wonder whether those senders of flowers actually came up with the idea on their own, or whether there was a precedent that had to be met, and they were maybe coerced into thinking it was the ‘right’ thing to do.  But obviously they were right if that’s what floated the boat of their partner it would certainly earn them some great brownie points.

But why, why did those women feel they needed to be shown such a public declaration?  After all these gestures made one-to-one would be even more intimate and meaningful wouldn’t they? And were those without a public declaration left to justify their relationship or defend it in some way, either to colleagues, and even themselves.

Of course it’s really a case of each to their own.  But it also demonstrates how different everybody is even when it comes to something that is often classified commericially in quite a cheesy manner.   Yet to watch a regular rom-com or in reading a romantic novel lots of general assumptions are made.   And one may love a rom-com or romantic story but when it comes to ‘actual’ life shun away from affectionate demonstrations in front of others, its all about each to their own 🙂 …

Men just can’t read women

But on other days of the year, there is an increasingly ‘down on men’ attitude that has been developing post-feminism for the last 10-yrs or so.  Why has it become the cultural ‘norm’ to hear women blaming men for being unable to multitask, not noticing which domestic chores need doing without being told, not being more sensitive to their partner’s emotional needs, and not being romantic enough, to name but a few 🙂 …

So on this festive day that celebrates all things ‘romance’ maybe we should spare a thought for how confusing their chastising women (on other days of the year) leave them feeling as they often aren’t sure what does and doesn’t work for their lover.  Men are left flaying around unsure about how to please their woman, and ultimately this can leave little room for spontaneity to ignite its spark in a relationship, which simply keeps the old stereotypical cycle churning.

What happened to good old fashioned romance

My heart in your handsHow did women learn to be like this?  Did it come from their mothers?  Is it an expected part of the sisterhood (to diss their men to feel better – for a while)?  Does it serve any relationship?

Isn’t it best to keep your own council and learn how to have an open dialogue of communication, rather than dismissing whatever your life-partner has to say before they even begin.   There was something that attracted you, when you originally got together, so where did it go, was it an illusion, can you rediscover it more regularly than once a year when the media circus forces you into celebrating with a romantic card and candlelight dinner.

But subsequently what are your children learning from you without a word being said.  They are ever watchful, learning, absorbing every drop and this will mostly inform how they conduct their relationships in years to come.  This is known to be how we learn the majority of our life beliefs in all areas, love relationships are no different.

Its good to talk

That was the strapline to a telecommunications company in the UK back in the 1980’s but there’s not a truer word when it comes to any relationship, especially a life partner.  Its so easy to agree something (without examining the finer details) where you think one thing and them something completely different.

Candle lit dinnerThe finer points need ironing out otherwise the same issues will keep on cropping up and once examined may well be found to be at the root of any regular misunderstandings.  Some good open, active listening, will go a long way towards a calmer, happier existence in rubbing along together.  And keeping the original chemistry bubbling under, erupting into those exploding firework displays of delight on occasion instead of some imploding universal rock formations of despair will keep you on an even keel and help evolve your relationship into a deeper understanding and appreciation of your chosen life-long lover.

What are your thoughts on this?  Maybe you’ve been happily together forever and have some great insights to share here.  We’d love your hear your views. Maybe you keep chosing the same type of toxic relationships that doesn’t ultimately last and want some help with it?   And perhaps you need to find out what unhelpful beliefs you picked up in the past that are preventing you from being with a loving, loyal, life-partner of your own.

Tell me more …

If you’d like to learn more you’re welcome to an ‘introductory chat’ – see how to kick-start the process – all sessions are ‘private and confidential.

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